cease and desist

please respond

ceased — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 15:39:57 +0000

Well I’m sitting in my writing room, on a borrowed sofa which also finds itself temporarily in this room, two hours into my 28th birthday. When I first saw this room I had the immediate feeling that I would write my thesis in this room. I’m trying not to get too attached to that idea, considering the fact that the average humanities phd takes 4 years to complete, while only getting paid for 3.5. But at the moment, i am really grateful for my allowance which affords me a room of my own to protect me from insistent rain outside, and which nurtures my thinking and creativity.

But really all that is on my mind, after spending the evening catching up on a couple of very inspiring blogs (from a fellow independent thinker with a penchant for continental theory , a real academic and a friend), is that i want to start finding the form to communicate my thoughts in a more informal yet regular format. A blog is probably not the final form… unless i start scanning my drawing in… but it may be a start. I will take the time to respond to my readings another night…

imagine

ceased — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 18:18:10 +0000

could i imagine a better wedding. no. not even my own.

sparkling brilliance

ceased — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 02:13:36 +0000

overwhelmingly i’ve noticed that previously I had an unshakable belief in my own brilliance. it’s not only that PhD-Land has shaken this belief-but more agonizing is the lack of enjoyment that I used to experience at my own brilliance… being absorbed in my own lil universes were so satisfying even if they were based on a lie. now i don’t think there’s a difference in the quality of my ideas. something has irrevocably changed!

What three men stole.

ceased — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 01:39:50 +0000

For those without the joy of regular contact, you may have interpreted my lack of reflection about life on this blog to be characteristic of my intermitent interest in publically musing on my life’s goings on.

Unfortunately, for the past several months, I haven’t been able to find the words for what three men stole from me in the dark. The inventory of what was stolen was quite small, a wallet and a phone. Your standard late night mugging really.

However, the effect this had on me at a time when I was already highly stressed about finishing Honours was enormous. While, it’s true I needed to become some what of a hermit in order to focus on my work — this event forced me into the isolation of a dark abyss.

I am now 17 days away from thesis deadline. I now know that soon I will have time to build a life again. Oh, for the freedom to take a few “Life Days” to sort myself out! I’m excited to think that my life will never look the same.

At least throughout this extremely traumatic time — I’ve managed to produce some great paintings (even if they are all in fetal position!).

i <3 getup

ceased — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 02:35:28 +0000

down, down and below…

ceased — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 10:46:26 +0000

Upon my recent decision to start recording my thoughts here, I made a few promises to myself:

a) I will update regularly;
b) I will not undertake long diatribes about the purpose/s of this blog;
c) Times when I found it difficult to update, I would be particularly disciplined and force myself to write even just a few thoughts.

Then IT happened.

Not some season of drunken debauchery or unriveled apathy, just a late night mugging, a broken relationship, a father hospitalised and a thesis deadline. And suddenly a whole winter has passed without an update.

More concrete ponderings on Melbourne

ceased — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 04:36:08 +0000

Upon my return I am certainly advocating a mass exodus to Melbourne for 2008. Although, the question did remain why go to city that reminds me of Europe when I could just go to Europe? I guess, Melbourne’s just a little cheaper for the weekend!
While I am certainly in agreement that Melbourne may be cooler or trendier or whatever, I have to say it instantly looses points for reminding itself of that every fucking three seconds.
Despite feeling like I was on a set for an incredibly complex staging of Waiting for Godot, with constant talking about The New World Order’s Revolutionary Leader (who for the purposes of satire and privacy we shall just call Che) I was happy to see all those that I visited still possessed those strong beliefs and commitments to bringing about social change, that I found so inspiring to be around in our past life together in StinkTown. This was certainly the vegan pumpkin soup for the soul that I desperately needed, so thanks kids, and sorry for my increasingly cynical and jaded world views!

In one place out the other

ceased — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 11:31:14 +0000

Even when not paying attention — it’s hard to ignore your place. I mean we’ve all moments where we’ve forgotten our place, and usually somebody is more than willing to put us back there. But the weekend’s travels have reminded me that, yep, that only solution when the going gets tough, is to fuck off!

I was astounded with how quickly a different side of me came out so quickly in the southern capital. I mean sure, partly the reason we travel is to escape so we are ready for change anyway. I certainly had realised that while I may’ve been slogging away in ThesisLand I was no longer being effective. I had to escape; I needed a change of scenery. But I am still just marveling about how well it worked.

Batteries recharged, friends commented that I indeed looked refreshed.

Everybody knows I’m one to loose perspective fairly quickly — so I guess a better metaphor would be travel as vision correction. It was just really exciting to remember that there are people that I have real connections with outside the people that form my everyday, and a reminder that other cities provide opportunities unimaginable in this small regional backwater.

So, while I will be sad tomorrow bidding another of the ever shrinking number of locally based friends bon voyage as she sets off on international adventures. I do find it comforting to remember that those connections with people can often be picked up again in another time and place. And it’s even more exciting when those connections can be picked up again despite dramatic changes that both parties have gone through, with out having to resort to the charade of the way things were.

First we take Manhattan…

ceased — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 14:42:06 +0000

i know i’m only going to Melbourne for the weekend.

Comparatively it’s a short journey a jaunt really. 963 kilometers the internet tells me. Pales in comparison to some of my other journeys NYC: 15977.21 Kms, Utrecht: 16630.98.

But i guess the thing is that those journeys were about proving something, this journey is the proof.

See since my spontaneous decision to leave StinkTown and go to Melbourne for the weekend yesterday, i can’t help thinking what a change in myself this is representative of. The last two years rheiner and i have just been treading water. And while we’ve had some spectacular escapes like to Cambodge, i was always very frugal in terms of going any where else. (And it must be stated, i even complained about the extravagance of our overseas trip endlessly). See last year i was just so focused on ”setting myself” up for this year — i was too scared to live. (Of course anybody who knows me, can read between the lines, and knows what that means is that i would continually try to deny myself of fun, until I would explode in fantastic bursts of drunken debauchery.) But this year, i’m just doing it. This is why i can decide to bugger off to Melbourne on a whim despite what can only be described as a bleak financial situation. This is life. This is what i was saving myself for. And it is just the fucking same.

Which isn’t as dissapointing as it sounds. This realisation is part of the reason why i’m not as “stressed” as i imagined i would be about the final result. i’ve realised that while i’m certainly still trying for a 1st — i am doing my life. And not getting a first isn’t going to stop me living my life. Sure it may define how i go about the external details of my life a bit. But books will always be there. i will always be able to make things. i will always be able to force myself to write. (And this year has taught me that i do actually need to force myself to write — it doesn’t come naturally to me.)

It should not be any suprise to anyone, after those rambly paragraphs then that i have been so obsessed with the künstlerroman. i’ve always been partial to a good coming-of-age-tale. If i just think of the movies or novels that i’ve connected with most, there’ve always revolved around this narrative structure.

And for anybody who hasn’t connected it already, the foetus paintings were/are definately part of this obsession.

It’s in the clouds…

ceased — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 00:24:14 +0000

So, since this blog is primarily for me, i feel justified in posting things of interest solely to me. For those stumbling upon this blog who don’t want to read purple explorations of my inner thoughts, scroll now.

i’ve been wondering all year what significance this is year will have for me. the pressure on myself to do well is almost crippling, can we all say self-sabotage? However, there have been some healthier attempts to try and make this year “work” for me. Regardless of the roller-coaster like world that is ThesisLand, i have attempted to stay in touch with where i am on the ride.

One thing i’ve picked up over the last few years is that i go out-of-control most when i’m not keeping a check on myself. All of my most regretable experiences have occured while drinking at times where i was too busy, too involved to spend time with myself. Knowing that i couldn’t afford to be off the rails for any extended period this year, i would jokingly tell everybody that i was running away to become a hermit. And i thought that is what would be required.

However, i’ve noticed that wasn’t what was required. Isolation isn’t what i needed, focus was.

This anagnorisis was spurred on by a re-occuring card that kept popping up in my tarot readings.

From Learn Tarot:
On the Eight of Pentacles we see a young man who is hammering away at a coin. He has finished six and has another coin to go. It is clear that he is in the middle of a project that absorbs all his attention. He’s isolated himself from others (the town in the background) in order to concentrate. In this scene we see the essential elements of the Eight of Pentacles: hard work and attention to detail.

This card often implies a time of great diligence and focus. It advises you to hammer away at the business of the moment, whether a work project, family difficulty, personal goal or unpleasant duty. Sometimes blessings fall into our laps to be enjoyed. Other times we must put out great effort to obtain them. The Eight of Pentacles represents moments when you must give 110%. Just buckle down and do it. Fortunately, this kind of work is invigorating and leads to superb results. The labor of the Eight of Pentacles is deeply satisfying and productive.

The Eight of Pentacles can also symbolize the impulse to learn – to broaden horizons (to use an old-fashioned term). Sometimes we need to develop new skills. We do research, dig out facts or search for expertise. The Hermit is looking for inner knowledge. The man on the Eight of Pentacles seeks external knowledge – the how and why of the material world.

This card can also show the need for meticulous attention. People who are painstaking are often dismissed as nit-pickers, but their extra effort ensures everything is as it should be. It’s a matter of caring – taking the time to check the little details. Now is not the time to be slipshod or casual. Look for errors, and tie up loose ends. The key to success is an extraordinary effort. Whatever your task, the Eight of Pentacles tells you to give it your all in every way.

i couldn’t say it better myself.